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Post by flybynighter on Jun 22, 2013 22:52:27 GMT
If there is a problem with this just go ahead and remove it, If not ill dump some occasional email/web found jokes I come across, feel free to add.
Australia's Victoria Bitter Help Line...
Telephone Operator:
"G'day mate, VB Helpline here. What's the problem?"
"I'm in the Outback with the girlfriend and she's been stung on her thigh
by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up!"
"Bummer!"
"Great advice! Thanks mate, bye.
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Post by flybynighter on Jul 14, 2013 14:17:19 GMT
A middle -aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.
The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was
out of the house having coffee with a friend.
She texted:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.
The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
I'm on the toilet. Please advise.
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Post by merganzer on Jul 20, 2013 1:04:42 GMT
baha that last one was great
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2013 13:42:36 GMT
anybody from the UK should get this one;
If David Cameron and Nick Clegg are both drowning and you only have time to save one of them,
What kind of sandwich would you make?
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Post by MCGERTY on Jul 30, 2013 15:35:00 GMT
Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.
Paddy Englishman says:
"I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought 300 quids worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in!"
Paddy Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker:
"Just last week, she went out and spent £17,000 on a new car, and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
Paddy Irishman nods wisely, and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber:
"Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles. "My wife recently left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a cock!"
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Post by MCGERTY on Jul 30, 2013 15:40:26 GMT
Another Paddy Joke!
Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Irishman haven't see each other for a year so they meet up for a drink.
During the year all of them have had a son. Paddy Englishman says: "It's funny cause my son was born on Saint George's day so we ended up calling him George."
Paddy Scotsman says:"Man that's strange cause my son was born on St. Andrew's day and we called him Andrew."
Paddy Irishman says: "Jaysus that's exactly the same thing with my son Pancake"
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Post by flybynighter on Aug 1, 2013 1:47:58 GMT
A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?"
"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. White exclaims, "He's
pissing in the fridge again!"
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Post by flybynighter on Aug 1, 2013 1:48:34 GMT
One hot summer day, a Newfie came to town with his dog, tied it
under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.
>
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, 'Who
owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'
The Newfie said it was his.
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The Newfie replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up
under that shade tree.
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to
be bred.'
'No way,' said the Newfie. 'That dog don't need bread. She ain't
hungry cause I fed her this mornin'.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand; your dog
wants to have sex!'
The Newfie looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always
wanted a police dog.
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Post by MCGERTY on Aug 4, 2013 11:25:20 GMT
Paddy Irishman Paddy Englishman and Paddy scotsman were walking in the forest.
After about half an hour they see a lepricaun up ahead.
Paddy Irishman stoped the other two and said, If we play our cards right we could get that little fellas pot of gold.
they sneak up behind him and catch him.
Paddy Irishman says, Now me good fellow, we cought you fair and square, so wheres your pot of gold?
The lepricaun thinks for a minuet and then says.
Thats not how it works, you have only half the work done.
If you want me pot of gold youl have to think of a task I cannot do.
Who ever can think of it will get the gold.
Well not expecting this, they took some time to think.
Paddy Englishman went first. He said. The task I have for you is to put niagra falls in front of my feet.
The lepricaun shouted FIDDLEY DEE, YOU CANT TRICK ME
He snaped his fingers, the trees cleared away and Niagra falls came up in front of his feet.
Paddy Scotsman went next. He said right so, the task I have for you is to put mount Everest in front of my feet.
The Lepruchan shouted, Fiddly DOO, I'LL BEST YOU.
He snaped his fingers, the trees cleared away again and mount everest come up in frony of his feet.
Well Paddy Irishman had been watching all this and reckoned he could trick the lepricaun. He steped forward, Lifted his leg, Left off a loud fart and said, 'Nail that to a feckin tree'.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2013 15:38:44 GMT
If women were not meant to be in the kitchen cooking then why do they come with milk and eggs inside them... lol
#2. What is the definition of a woman? ...An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done ROFL
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Post by flybynighter on Aug 30, 2013 2:38:19 GMT
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penises. And on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there" he replied.
"Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??"
"No...it's turning black."
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